Random thoughts of an anonymous man

2008-10-15T20:17:00.001-05:00

As I stumble through this life,
help me to create more laughter than tears,
dispense more cheer than gloom,
spread more cheer than despair.

Never let me become so indifferent,
that I will fail to see the wonders in the eyes of a child,
or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.

Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people,
make them happy, and forget momentarily,
all the unpleasantness in their lives.

And in my final moment,
may I hear You whisper:
“When you made My people smile,
you made Me smile.”

2008-10-15T20:11:00.002-05:00

It's not any easier and I don't feel like anyone has access to "me". Does anyone really know me? any person who could have possibly understood me has gone or moved away. It is not there fault or necessarily mine. It is life. Everyone chases happiness in life. Love. wealth. religion. drugs. sex. it all seeks to feel the same gap of loneliness. I miss my friends. I hope you are all doing well and i wish you well. I miss you.

2008-04-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

Mean mr. mustard says hes bored
Of life in the district.
Cant afford the french quarter high
Says it gets old real quick
And he pales up next to me
Scrawled on the pavement
It says: son, time is all the luck
You need.

And if I stay lucky then my tongue
Will stay tied, and I wont betray
The things that I hide.
Theres not enough years underneath
This belt, for me to admit the way
That I felt.

Mean mr. mustard says dont be
The wave that crashes
From a sea of discontent, he says
Hes wrestled with that blanket...
It leaves you cold and wet
Any way you stretch it
Divine apathy! disease of my youth
Watch that you dont catch it.

2008-04-15T21:37:00.002-05:00

Remember when things were easy? Remember when you had your friends and associates? The day was structured and uniform. I miss my friends. I hate who I am.

2008-04-15T21:35:00.001-05:00

No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax - This won't hurt.

...

2008-04-15T21:33:00.001-05:00

Once divided...nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken...cant be taken back...
Walks on his own...with thoughts he cant help thinking...
Futures above...but in the past hes slow and sinking...
Caught a bolt a lightnin...cursed the day he let it go...

Nothingman... (2x)
Isnt it something?
Nothingman...

She once believed...in every story he had to tell...
One day she stiffened...took the other side...
Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...
One just escapes...ones left inside the well...
And he who forgets...will be destined to remember...oh...oh...oh...

Nothingman... (2x)
Isnt it something?
Nothingman...

Oh, she dont want him...
Oh, she wont feed him...after hes flown away...
Oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...

Burn...burn...
Nothingman... (2x)
Isnt it something?
Nothingman...
Nothingman... (2x)
Coulda been something...
Nothingman...

2008-04-15T20:32:00.002-05:00

I was looking back through old posts... Things used to be different. More clear, less oppressive. I don't know what to think of you. Just seem to be covered in a heavy blanket now.

2008-04-15T20:24:00.001-05:00

If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will

If it be your will.

2008-04-15T20:16:00.002-05:00

I wonder, in the descent into darkness, depression for lack of a better term, if you were to take a daily photo over an undefined period of time you could watch a person come apart. Could you see it in the eyes? Mannerisms? I wonder. Sadness is a different kind of pain, difficult to "tough it out". It just seems to get deeper. Numbness

2007-08-16T14:14:00.001-05:00

He's always given, so you can't always make him laugh...

Dreams like this must die...

Mileage has taken its toll, painted with lines to show...

2007-06-29T12:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't forgotten you... I am still here.

2005-09-21T11:07:00.000-05:00

Five months or so have passed.... Life is good. I am clean clear and happy. Can't hope for much more than that. Enjoying myself. The ways of the past are in the past and with any luck I will never again visit my old worn trails.

1Iwillexaltyou,OLORD, foryouliftedmeoutofthedepthsanddidnotletmyenemiesgloatoverme. 2OLORDmyGod,Icalledtoyouforhelpandyouhealedme. 3OLORD,youbroughtmeupfromthegrave[b];yousparedmefromgoingdownintothepit. 4SingtotheLORD,yousaintsofhis;praisehisholyname. 5Forhisangerlastsonlyamoment,buthisfavorlastsalifetime;weepingmayremainforanight, butrejoicingcomesinthemorning.6WhenIfeltsecure,Isaid, “Iwillneverbeshaken.”7OLORD,whenyoufavoredme, youmademymountain[c]standfirm;butwhenyouhidyourface,Iwasdismayed. 8Toyou,OLORD,Icalled;totheLordIcriedformercy: 9“Whatgainisthereinmydestruction,[d]inmygoingdownintothepit?Willthedustpraiseyou? Willitproclaimyourfaithfulness?10Hear,OLORD,andbemercifultome; OLORD,bemyhelp.”11Youturnedmywailingintodancing; youremovedmysackclothandclothedmewithjoy,12thatmyheartmaysingtoyouandnotbesilent. OLORDmyGod,Iwillgiveyouthanksforever.

2005-03-31T13:25:00.000-06:00

Been a while.... I am still fighting the good fight. Spring is finally here. I am feeling better....

2005-03-14T14:31:00.000-06:00

This world will definitely lay a beating to you if you will allow it.... Still waiting for that next big wave to pick me up and put me back on top. I don't like waiting and treading water and that is exactly what I am doing... my own fault for becoming complacent. My future is bright and it is up to me and no one else to seize opportunity and make something of myself. Time to leave the past in the past and just live. This pack of self imposed responsibilities is limiting my hike through life....

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

2005-03-08T10:13:00.000-06:00

Not usually one to post skynrd lyrics, but I have always liked this song.

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

(Chorus)
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

(Chorus)

Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

2005-03-01T15:11:00.000-06:00

Man what a week. I definitely feel the heat and stress of life breathing down my neck.... What else can I do, but suck it up take my beatings and move on.... I will not give in... and I WILL win.

2005-02-21T10:57:00.000-06:00

R.I.P Hunter.....

2005-02-15T16:03:00.000-06:00

Looks as though I am slacking again.... Letting my blog slip. I suppose it is because the majority of the time I use this as an outlet to vent. Things have been great as of late, and I simply don't have much to complain about aside from events in the outside that are out of my control. My house appears to be in some sort of order, my side business is growing, the weather is great, I feel great.... things are good and I feel like I am indeed in the drivers seat of my life. It is unfortunate that this kind of happiness is not easily transferable.

2005-02-10T10:34:00.000-06:00

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst ... and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...

2005-02-09T08:36:00.000-06:00

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

Just a reminder to everyone not to go silent out of frustration. Keep speaking out. Giving up would be doing a disservice to our kids and grandkids.

2005-02-07T16:27:00.000-06:00

Not much to add for today. Things are still good. My eagles lost, but they at least looked dignified. Talks of peace between Israel and Palestine. Picked up a new CD "An American Prayer", by Jim Morrison. Appointments tonight and all week. It feels good to be back in the sun.

2005-02-02T09:55:00.000-06:00

op·ti·mism n. - # A tendency to expect the best possible outcome or dwell on the most hopeful aspects of a situation: “There is a touch of optimism in every worry about one's own moral cleanliness” (Victoria Ocampo).

Maybe things are coming together for me... It feels like the sun is again shining. My side business has turned out to be incredibly rewarding spiritually. The money has yet to materialize, but the relief I bring to my clients and their families is incredibly gratifying. Maybe I have been chasing the wrong dream, looking for a quick score... merely chasing after material wealth. As a young man in todays world that seems to be what everyone is looking for, the path of least resistance to buy more "stuff". I realize now that I may have been blessed with my abilities to help people not just to chase after the quick dollar. The road of my life has forked and I have chosen to take the road of my heart not the road of society. Wish me luck.

2005-01-20T10:09:00.000-06:00

"Remember when you see a man at the top of a mountain, he didn't fall there."

I am struggling a bit with my job. Not struggling in the traditional sense of trying to keep up or being overwhelmed, but rather in being underwhelmed and bored. As an individual my goal has always been continuous growth and learning. As a result of this goal if I am not growing and learning I become bored and somewhat depressed. I have been spinning my wheels for sometime now and the urge to move on has increased. I wonder after 6 1/2 years if it is time to move on? That is where I find myself this morning.... Contemplating. I have so much to offer and so much want to achieve that I feel like I am doing myself a disservice procrastinating when I know what I have to do. Wish me luck in reaching peace with my decision, because it is one that is likely to change my life.

2005-01-19T09:19:00.000-06:00

Today feels nice. The cold is starting to disperse and I can once again smell life in the air. Have you ever noticed how lifeless and sterile the air feels when bitter cold takes hold? When the warm air returns it is almost like the earth is exhaling, relaxing. Things just feel better. Like a nice glass of wine after a long day at work. Rosy.... warm.... happy.

2005-01-18T10:56:00.000-06:00

Cold. That is the word of the day. Or is it week? It is way to damned cold. Hard to work with cold fingers and toes. Maybe we will get back above the freezing mark today... This is about the time of year when I start longing for spring. It can't be that much longer can it?

2005-01-14T09:54:00.000-06:00

It looks as those the Huygens probe has safely landed on Saturn's moon, Titan. Amazing. Within the hour we should start seeing photographs of a completely alien landscape. Call me a geek, but the news has me pretty excited. At least there is finally some good news to report in this world that seems to be consumed with war and fascination with what acts Michael Jackson "allegedly" committed with underage boys.

2005-01-13T09:41:00.000-06:00

I am officially underway with my transformation. I forgot how much I enjoyed that "high" following a good workout. I should be up to par with my former self within three weeks. I can tell from the soreness that I have accurately identified the areas that need the most improvement. I am considering setting a new goal for myself.... I think I would like to try and compete in a biathalon. Would say triathalon, but I really don't enjoy swimming. The next few weeks should set the stage for which direction I will take. Wish me luck.

2005-01-11T15:13:00.000-06:00

Good news! Apple just unveiled a new "low" cost mac. Hopefully this will make it easier for people to get exposure to the mac system and maybe one step closer to the downfall of the terrible products that microsoft put on the market.

2005-01-11T10:18:00.000-06:00

It all begins again today. I begin rebuilding my body and everything else about myself today. Time to regain direction and purpose and start moving ahead. I am anxious and ready to get started.

2005-01-06T10:35:00.000-06:00

Slow down, my brother, your life is passing fast
Will you remember all these scenes that you've passed
So long, so long

Speeding past sunset, blurring from town to town
Faces I forget, hotels all look the same
Worn down the knuckle too far
So long, so long

Lost are your colors, now life's in black and white
Steals from a movie, this life's a trick of the light
Worn down the knuckle too far
Worn down

City of strangers, you seem so tired to me
Don't think I'll stay here, you don't seem friendly
I'll keep on moving, searching for peace of mind
Rivers unwinding maybe I'll find it this time
So long, so long
So long

Live from my suitcase, my life's within my hands
Sleep in a strange bed, hometown's a foreign land
Down, the knuckle too far

2005-01-06T10:32:00.000-06:00

I'm so alone tonight
My bed feels larger than when I was small
Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets and all old pillows
So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back, miss you breathing down my neck
All out to get you, once again, they're all out to get you, once again

Insecure, what ya gonna do
Feel so small, they could step on you
Called you up, answer machine, when the human touch
Is what I need, what I need is you, I need you

Looked in the mirror, I don't know who I am any more
The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away
They're all out to get you, once again, they're all out to get you
Here they come again

Insecure, what ya gonna do
Feel so small, they could step on you
Called you up, answer machine, when the human touch
Is what I need, what I need is you

Let me breathe, if you'd let me breathe
They're all out to get you, once again, they're all out to get you

2004-12-27T13:36:00.001-06:00

It appears as though I survived the holidays. Actually had a bit of fun. Enjoyed the time away from work. It would have been nice to have more than three days off, but at least I am staring down another short work week. So yeah. All and all things are good. Watched a decent movie on Saturday..... Napoleon Dynamite. I thought the characters were great, the dance scene incredible, and I really enjoyed the ending. Whereas in most movies nowadays the teen characters are sexualized and might as well be adults in Dynamite I thought the characters were still innocent and believable. I think everybody remembers that period of their life. All the insecurities, wonders, the simplicity of life. Definitely a movie worth watching.

2004-12-16T13:04:00.000-06:00

Ever get that feeling that you are on a sinking ship? The feeling can be applied to many situations in life... your job, your relationship... Okay so those are the only two that come to mind right now, but I am sure there are others. So anyhow I feel that way right now. Just in a bit of a funk I suppose and I suppose I will recover. Don't really a big fan of self pity, just feels good to record the thoughts for future therapy I suppose. So here comes Christmas again... Yea.... To bad you can't hear the sarcasm that is associated with that yea. Christmas can suck my nuts. At least the commercialized americanized mall shopping version that is practiced by most of my family. Someday when I form my isolated utopian society deep in the mountains somewhere we will reform the holiday and put family and community first. So about said utopian community.... I am accepting donations. Any takers?

2004-12-14T13:54:00.000-06:00

The person to whom I dedicate this song will most likely never know how I feel. Shame really.

You can't know, oh no
you can't know
how much I think about you, no
It's making my head spin
Looking at you
and you are looking at me
and we both know what we want
hmmm, so close to giving in

Feel so nice
oh yeah you feel so nice
wish I could spend the night
but I can't pay the price
oh no, no

But I'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
And I can feel your high
rocking me inside
it's too much to hide

I know, oh yes
I know that we can't
be together
but, I just like to dream
It's so strange
the way our paths have crossed
how we were brought together
hmmm, it's written in the stars it seems
Feel so nice
oh yeah you feel so nice
I'd love to spend the night
but I can't pay the price
oh no, no

And I'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
And I can feel your high
touching me inside
and it's too much to hide

Back to earth
where did you take me to
I know there's no such thing
As painless love
well it'll catch us up
and we can never win
But ohhh
I feel so alive
ohhh
Just wanna hold you
hold you so tight

And I'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
And I can feel your high
touching me inside
and it's too much to hide
And I'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around

2004-12-13T15:41:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, as I have discussed before, life wears on me. It wears me very thin. I sometimes wish I could just walk away from it all and live the life of a hermit somewhere very foreign. Just me, my thoughts, regrets, and repressed anger. There are times when I feel like a pressure cooker on the verge of exploding. I always seem to control myself, but at times it is difficult. I know I am doing the right thing. I am helping others. Being their crutch.... holding them up.... making their life a better place. I suppose my time in the sun is coming. I was made a strong person, given my powers of compassion and understanding for a reason, but it is very difficult sometimes not to be selfish and run off and hide in a corner. I have a lot of anger, I can feel it, and it seems to be bubbling just beneath the surface of my everyday self. This post may come across as rambling, disorganized and incoherent, but I need to shed some of this weight. I am tired of being the bad guy. I guess that is the best way to describe it. Tired of being the bad guy.....

thinking about all life has to offer...all the times i have let life pass me by and lived again to regret it...how many times can one person fail the same lesson??? getting up only to fall right back down where i started...living lie after lie, living up to everyone else...i am who i am and that is all i can be...forever...i am not perfect, i do have faults...accept all of me or let me go...i don't want to be someone elses slave...i can't live for you anymore...my mind is so tired...tired of sleepless nights, waiting by the phone, only to realize five hours later that you broke another promise...i should have been worth more than that...i know that you were...today i live my life, challenging myself, becoming stronger...one day i will see you and you won't matter anymore...and as you grab for my hand to save you from falling, i'll let you go...cause you would have taken me down anyways...

2004-11-23T10:57:00.000-06:00

It’s alright
There comes a time
Got no patience to search
For peace of mind
Layin’ low
Want to take it slow
No more hiding or
Disguising truths I’ve sold

Everyday it’s something
Hits me all so cold
Find me sittin’ by myself
No excuses, then I know

It’s okay
Had a bad day
Hands are bruised from
Breaking rocks all day
Drained and blue
I bleed for you
You think it’s funny, well
You’re drowning in it too

Everyday it’s something
Hits me all so cold
Find me sittin’ by myself
No excuses, then I know

Yeah, it’s fine
We’ll walk down the line
Leave our rain, a cold
Trade for warm sunshine
You my friend
I will defend
And if we change, well i
Love you anyway

Everyday it’s something
Hits me all so cold
Find me sittin’ by myself
No excuses, then I know

2004-11-18T13:22:00.000-06:00

I remember thinking / I'll go on forever only knowing / I'll see you again / But I know / The touch of you is so hard to remember / But like that touch I know no other / And for sure we have danced / In the risk of each other / Would like to dance / Around the world with me / I'll be falling all about my own thing / And I know your the heaviest weight / When your not here that's hung / Around my head / And your lips burn wild / Thrown from the face of a child / And in your eyes / The seeing of the greatest few / Do what you will, always / Walk where you like, your steps / Do as you please, I'll back you up / I remember thinking / Sometimes we walk / Sometimes we run away / But I know / No matter how fast we are running / Somehow we keep / Somehow we keep up with each other / I'll be falling all about my own thing / And I know your the heaviest weight / When your not here that's hung / Around my head / And your lips burn wild / Thrown from the face of a child / And in your eyes / The seeing of the greatest few / Do what you will, always / Walk where you like, your steps / Do as you please, I'll back you up

2004-11-18T13:12:00.000-06:00

Being a father and being separated from your child is a very difficult thing to deal with at times. Knowing your child is out there progressing, learning, living without you as a daily presence is a very painful thing. Regular visitation, while nice, makes the situation all the more painful as you realize at the end of "your weekend" is approaching. All you can do I suppose is make sure your child knows how much you love them.... It is all that I know to do....
I miss my son.

2004-11-15T13:50:00.000-06:00

Mileage has taken its toll
Paid it with lines to show
You've had your fill of asphalt
Cough tremors, and smoke-filled doors

Look like the habit controls you
You look like you need a rest
You've made it to the timber-line
Don't know what to expect

God knows, you don't need it
Too early, you might be the one
To find yourself somewhere else
Too early in the sun

Song strains, distant, over
A barroom drink-filled roar
The old folksinger lays it down
Not for long, no longer ignored

Spinning tales of temptation
Gambling days lost and won
No crimes committed here
Too much habit could be the one

God knows, you don't need it
Too early, you might be the one
To find yourself somewhere else
Too early in the sun

Never seen half of what you've seen
Real life never quite adds up
The road goes on when the faces don't
Word of mouth never tells the truth

Like to hear your story told
With a two-step beat and rhyme
Could be Tennessee or Texas
On and on, that road winds

God knows, you don't need it
Too early, you might be the one
To find yourself somewhere else
Too early in the sun

2004-11-15T13:36:00.000-06:00

Today has been a strange day. Since I have arrived at work I have been uncomfortable. I can't seem to get settled. No focus. Nervousness. Strange. I just don't seem to be ready for the day. My thoughts are elsewhere. I need an extended vacation away from my current reality. Step into someone elses life for a few months or years. Not expressing unhappiness with my current life, but I am ready for some change. Maybe not being a punching bag, therapist, and cushion for everyones elses issues.... I suppose that is a part of adulthood though.... Kind of like I am a cliff facing the waves of everyones emotions. Even rock erodes over time....

2004-11-12T15:46:00.000-06:00

I came across a very interesting question today on a blog I read daily. If a movie were to be made about your life, what actor/actress would play you? Without giving it much thought I think that Matt Damon would be most likely to play me. I could see some of myself in his character from Good Will Hunting. Who would most likely represent you?

2004-11-12T14:25:00.000-06:00

So you're trying to do what they did,
Your friends that turned to liquid,
And got lost in a sea...
Now you're drowning me

With your talk of four-leaf clovers
You turn to rocks and omen
To beat the ambient harm
That is bruising your karma

Oh, I wish my arms were wider,
I wish that I could hide you,
So you can rest and repair
Without the blanket of sorrow...

The thick and the gray,
Your blanket of woe
Is so heavy and stained
And it only weighs you down

Oh...

So you thought that getting sober
Would mean your life was over
I don't think it's that bad,
I don't think it's that sad.

Just you sleep a little baby,
Live the world alone and later,
If you wake up alive,
That old blanket of sorrow

Could be feathers and down
Your blanket of woe
Would leave you alone
And I could love you 'til you drown

Come to me, let's drown,
Come baby, let's drown
In feathers and down.

2004-11-11T10:38:00.000-06:00

"In My Secret Life"

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can’t seem to loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There’s no one in sight.
And we’re still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealer wants you thinking
That it’s either black or white.
Thank G-d it’s not that simple
In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I’m told:
From the latest hit,
To the wisdom of old.
But I’m always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it’s crowded and cold
In My Secret Life.

2004-11-03T10:27:00.000-06:00

It appears the fight for a return to normalcy and respectability in the international community is over..... It feels like a little piece of me died this morning. This man that brought us hope has just conceded defeat. All of you that voted for the current figurehead and puppet can now return to your Britney Spears and reality show diet. Don't worry everything is "okay"... please return to your cocoon and consume your credit funded material goods.... Sheep being led to the slaughter....
I will not follow. I will not accept. I will not give up. My voice will not be silenced.

2004-11-02T15:04:00.000-06:00

Today is the day! Get out and vote! The fate of our children may be at stake. Not to seem overly dramatic, but I feel if things don't change... well... god help us. I have a good feeling though.... I think we will prevail.

2004-10-07T13:04:00.000-05:00

Death is odd... Someone being permanently erased from any part of your future. Sad really. So much knowledge and wisdom... a link to the past... gone... Rest in peace, you will be missed.

2004-09-29T11:53:00.000-05:00

Not much going on today. Just living life, working, listening to Leonard Cohen. To anyone who hasn't experienced Leonard Cohen I highly recommend giving him a shot. Not music for everyone, but he is one of my personal favorites. I have always been a fan of poetry and music that takes me places.... and his music does both. I believe a top ten may be in order.

1) In My Secret Life
2) Everybody Knows
3) If It Be Your Will
4) A Thousand Kisses Deep
5) Waiting For The Miracle
6) The Future
7) I Can't Forget
8) I'm Your Man
9) Tower of Song
10) By The Rivers Dark

That sounds about right.....

2004-09-27T09:47:00.000-05:00

I passed! Thank you God I passed! I am an officially licensed Life, Accident, and Health insurance agent. Now on to the securities exams...

2004-09-23T15:31:00.000-05:00

Well today is the first day that has really felt like fall. I have to admit that I am more than a little relieved that Summer is over. Can't say I will miss it. I am not sure if it is because I was born in the middle of winter, but something about summer just does not sit right with me. I enjoy the cold air.... when you go outside for a run or walk and you feel the slight burn in your lungs as you take a deep breath... The incredible quietness and solitude of a cold winter night. Nights spent next to the fire... holidays spent with the family. By next February I am sure I will be yearning for the feeling of renewed life that is associated with early spring, but for now I will just smile and look forward to the cold nights ahead.

2004-09-21T14:29:00.000-05:00

Busy week. I have been plugging away trying to digest as much material as possible ahead of my licensing exam this Saturday. I am nervous (although I try not to show it). I passed the pretest which also helped me to find some of my deficiencies. Mostly in the social insurance and health insurance areas so my focus will now turn that direction. I am excited by the opportunity to do something new in my life. Help people.... make money.... expand my mind... sounds nice.

2004-09-17T08:54:00.000-05:00

So today will be the first full day that we are back online at the office in several days. It was a strange feeling to be disconnected from the world and not have instantaneous access to unlimited knowledge and current events. Strange... technology is a wonderful thing. So not much is going on in my section of the world. Of course terrible things seem to be occurring everywhere else in the world. Intelligence agencies reporting that the situation in Iraq is becoming unmanageable, genocide in Sudan (Of course we refuse to take any action on this one. No vital national interests involved. In other words No OIL!), Russia retreating from democracy. On the Sudan situation I feel like we have at least one member of the current administration that does care and would like to do something, Colin Powell. I have always admired Mr. Powell. He seems to be a level headed, fair, and honest person. Sadly it is those traits that have often put him at odds with his current superior. I am assuming that this may be the reason why he is not returning to his post if "Dubya" is re-elected. Sad really. I mean the guy wasn't even invited to the Republican National Convention. He will not be the only key person on the current staff that will not be returning, there are several key people "stepping down". It may be a good decision on their part I wouldn't want to be affiliated with the administration that will be reflected in history as having steered the country into a ditch. Okay those are some of the thoughts that are keeping me occupied today. I apologize for the rambling and incoherency (is that even a word?).... I just had to get it all out of my system.

"We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us"

2004-09-16T16:21:00.000-05:00

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy
when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

* The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.

* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.

* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health
care to all Americans is socialism.

* HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
heart.

* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.

* A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is
solid defense policy.

* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's driving record is none of our business.

* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for
your recovery.

* You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can
tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

2004-09-10T13:09:00.000-05:00

How about a little humor today?

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required
to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Have a great weekend.

2004-09-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

Another beautiful day in sunny OK. Not much going on today. More news of impending hurricanes and political mudslinging and finger pointing. One positive thing to report - NFL kickoff. I have been waiting months. I could do without the no talent pop types on the pregame show, but not even their lip syncing can dampen my enthusiasm. I have my fantasy roster set, the recliner in position and a fridge full of beer. It should be a good night.

2004-09-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

Oh what a beautiful day. Lows in the 50's, highs in the lower 80's. It is amazing how a little bit of sunshine and a nice breeze can improve my mood. I think I feel a vacation around the corner. Lots to do before hand however.... life insurance license, mortgage broker license, annuities license, and the Capstone-Series 6 and 63 examinations. This may be the year that my life takes off in another direction. Kind of hard not to be excited. Able to do what I want to do.... Help people, work with $, proud of the work that I do... Sounds like a good deal to me.

Optimist: A man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.

2004-09-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

Another Friday. Lots of terrible things going on in the world. Russian children killed in what looks to be another partially botched rescue by security forces, Texas sized hurricane plowing into Florida, and an evil howdy doody imposter promising to save America from terra and to revive the economy. Actually to be fair on that last one I am not sure what that ass clown promised last night. I have learned that what the man tells us is very rarely what actually happens. Sad but true. Bush's strength lies with his ability to get the great unwashed masses fired up and scared. There is a terrorist hiding in your closet and if you don't vote for me they are going to destroy your home and possibly lure your son or daughter into a gay marriage. We should pass a constitutional amendment against both. Prick.
Okay I will quit. "It can't rain all the time......"

2004-09-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

2004-08-31T10:27:00.000-05:00

I heard a great "saying" or passage today. "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging". I have not heard a passage quite so true in a very very long time. Good advice for most anyone.
The sun is shining.

2004-08-27T08:48:00.000-05:00

So Friday is finally here. Payday and at least a two day break from the orifice... or is that office. So I have a class on both Saturday and Sunday.... all day both days. Kind of blows the weekend huh? It is in an effort to get ahead and make a little bit of extra coin. So theoretically if I learn the material it will be worth the price of a weekend.
Did the softball thing last night. The team got run ruled, which translated, means we got our asses kicked. The run to seal our defeat was an out of the park home run. A bit comical to me really. Some of those guys take it so very seriously. Oh well. Whatever makes them smile.

2004-08-26T13:25:00.000-05:00

Dear god it is unmercifully hot today. After a couple of months of below normal temps a heat index of 102 is not a welcome event. This is the reason I am such a big fan of fall and spring. Moderation is gooooood. As for the rest of the day, everything seems to be alright. I worked half a day yesterday before using a bit of sick time. Just went home and crashed. Guess my body was exhausted because when I crashed that was that. I woke up soaked and somewhat recovered. I suppose I am an aggressive sleeper if there is such a thing. So I have this softball deal tonight.... I despise softball/baseball and most everything associated with them. My wife thought it would be a good way for me to bond with the folks she works with... It has been nice getting to know the guys, but I really really do not enjoy softball. Too bad there is no local football team/league. Oh well. At least I am socializing I suppose and I am get a few sprints in every night. Raise the heart rate. Remind me that I am still alive. Okay so that is my therapy for the day. In summary - it's hot and softball sucks.

2004-08-25T09:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday felt good so we'll go for two in a row. Aging is a strange process... As a child and young adult life has a strange rosy glow about it. You are constantly discovering, hoping, planning.... there is always something around the corner... something to look forward to.... you have goals..... It seems as you grow older many of those moments fade away. Goals are accomplished, you begin to look forward to just limping through the rest of the week to make it to the weekend. The weekend is spent catching up on the things you could not finish during the week. A vicious cycle. I think maybe the key to happiness as an "adult" may be to just accept that this is life. This is the way things are.... Begin enjoying the small things. Quit hurrying, worrying, and just relax. Easier said than done unfortunately. My life right now is drained by this repressed anger and frustration that I can't seem to overcome. I have never been a fan of psychology so I have no idea what this means about me. I am sure there is a term or a diagnosis to describe me. Psychotic maybe? Who knows.... Someday I will find my cure. Until then I will continue to carry my load.

2004-08-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

It's been a while again..... several months actually. Managed to survive the majority of another summer. This time of year drains me. Things have been good, things have been bad..... Thinking, feeling.... like I am stuck in low gear and some how I just can't seem to shift up.... Man... I sound pretty pathetic. Always sunshine and rainbows when I post. It feels good though, a bit of an outlet and from what I can remember that is the whole reason I started. Maybe I will smile and mean it for once.

2004-07-02T20:36:00.000-05:00

What a night or day.... today was a day in which I had several deja vu flashbacks.... No word as to whether or not they will turn out as true. We shall see.

2004-06-15T12:55:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I have written, but plenty has been going on.... like always most has been behind the scenes. In other words, in my head. I have become quite the master of hiding my emotions. Most of last week was spent repressing equally massive amounts of anger and sorrow. Summer always seems to bring these feelings to the front... Maybe because I function better in the cooler and calmer fall/winter as opposed to the hot and chaotic summer. Who knows? Regardless I am feeling a bit better this week. I am still very edgy and I fear that I will be for some time. I am hitting the weights again at least.... That always makes me feel better. Maybe I will take a run later in the week. That would be very nice. Help me in clearing my head... Drain some of the negativity from my system. I think maybe a bit of solitude would be the best overall solution, but life as it is now will simply not allow it. Responsibility... sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. But... I am the rock, the solid foundation from which others build their lives and I can't take that lightly. Carry on.... Atlas

2004-06-04T14:54:00.000-05:00

This song makes me think of the situation in Iraq, although I guess it could be representative of any armed conflict. Anyhow here 'tis.

Us, and them
And after all we're only ordinary men.
Me, and you.
God only knows it's not what we would choose to do.
Forward he cried from the rear
and the front rank died.
And the general sat and the lines on the map
moved from side to side.

Black and blue
And who knows which is which and who is who
Up and down
But in the end it's only round and round
Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
The poster bearer cried
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There's room for you inside

"I mean, they're not gunna kill ya, so if you give 'em a quick short,
sharp, shock, they won't do it again. Dig it?
I mean he get off lightly, 'cos I would've given him a
Thrashing - I only hit him once!
It was only a difference of opinion,
But really...I mean good manners
don't cost nothing do they, eh?"

Down and out
It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about
With, without
And who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
Out of the way, it's a busy day
I've got things on my mind
For the want of the price of tea and a slice
The old man died

2004-05-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

I've always loved Morrissey. Honesty can be painful sometimes....

America is not the world-Morrissey

America your head's too big, Because America, Your belly's too big
And I love you, I just wish you'd stay where you is

In America, The land of the free, they said, And of opportunity, In a just and a truthful way
But where the president, Is never black, female or gay, And until that day
You've got nothing to say to me, To help me believe

In America, It brought you the hamburger, Well America you know where, You can shove your hamburger
And don't you wonder, Why in Estonia they say, Hey you, Big fat pig
You fat pig, You fat pig

Steely Blue eyes with no love in them, Scan The World,
And a humourless smile, With no warmth within, Greets the world
And I, I have got nothing, To offer you
No-no-no-no-no
Just this heart deep and true, Which you say you don't need

See with your eyes, Touch with your hands, please, Hear through your ears, Know in your soul, please
For haven't you me with you now?
And I love you, I love you, I love you, And I love you, I love you, I love you

2004-05-17T14:12:00.000-05:00

Ah another beautiful day in the world. Nice and warm, plenty of sunshine, lots of little puffy clouds dotting the blue sky. It is days like today that really make me appreciate my position in the world and the small miracle that I was born and raised in a stable, civilized country. The world today, in so many places, seems scary, random, and violent. I can not imagine growing up as a child having to worry about whether or not I will be able to eat a meal at night... or whether or not I will be caught up in some act of violence between two warring groups.... How can we expect people to see the world in the same rosy way when most of their experiences are so different from ours? We are shielded and insulated from so many things. I know that when I go home tonight that, barring some random disaster, my home is going to be there.... exactly the way I left it. Many people in the world, and in some regions more than others, may go home tonight and find that their home is destroyed or strafed with gun fire. Sad.....It is indeed unfortunate that the world is filled with so much hate.... There I go sounding like a damned dirty hippy.
So anyhow, yeah things are good grand wonderful in my corner of the world.... Maybe someday everyone everywhere will be able to feel this safe and secure.... It is a nice thought at least.

2004-05-06T14:47:00.000-05:00

And maybe one more.

So : the choice I have made
May seem strange to you
But who asked you, anyway ?
It's my life to wreck
My own way

You see : to someone, somewhere, oh yeah ...
Alma matters
In mind, body and soul
In part, and in whole
Because to someone, somewhere, oh yeah ...
Alma matters
In mind, body and soul
In part, and in whole

So the life I have made
May seem wrong to you
But, I've never been surer
It's my life to ruin
My own way

You see : to someone, somewhere, oh yeah ...
Alma matters
In mind, body and soul
In part, and in whole
Because to someone, somewhere, oh yeah ...
Alma matters
In mind, body and soul
In part, and in whole

To someone, somewhere, oh yeah ...
Alma matters
In mind, body and soul
Part, and in whole
So to someone, somewhere, oh yeah ...
Alma matters
In mind, body and soul
Part, and in whole

To someone, somewhere, oh yeah ...
Oh yeah ...
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Oh yeah ...

2004-05-06T14:44:00.000-05:00

Over a month and nothing written. Shame shame shame. Here is something to digest.

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial for
murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid and I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came over
from Russia.

I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let our emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie
producers are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.

Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.
My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals
an unpublishable private literature that goes 1400 miles and hour and
twentyfivethousand mental institutions.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underpriviliged who live in
my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I'm a Catholic.

America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his
automobiles more so they're all different sexes
America I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe
America free Tom Mooney
America save the Spanish Loyalists
America Sacco & Vanzetti must not die
America I am the Scottsboro boys.
America when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings they
sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and the
speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the
workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party
was in 1935 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real mensch Mother
Bloor made me cry I once saw Israel Amter plain. Everybody must have
been a spy.
America you don're really want to go to war.
America it's them bad Russians.
Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.
The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia's power mad. She wants to take
our cars from out our garages.
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader's Digest. her wants our
auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes Indians learn read. Him need big black niggers.
Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts
factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

2004-04-01T13:04:00.000-06:00

Why is it that as you get older emotions seem to grow colder? Things just don't seem as bright and shiny as they were even 5 years ago..... Is this typical of growing old? If so I fear what I will be in 20 years....

2004-04-01T11:06:00.000-06:00

I have to get something off of my chest.... The events that occurred yesterday in Iraq truly disturb me. I can not fathom what was going through the mind of the people that committed those atrocities..... I feel very sad, shaken, and, I think more than anything, angry. Seething would be a good word to use.... The often used redneck option for solution of the problem is turn the entire area into a sheet of glass (i.e. bomb the shit out of them). I am really really struggling right now to stay rational. The administrator in Iraq has promised that those responsible will be punished, but will this punishment truly bring justice to what occurred yesterday.... I don't know..... Seeing those people.... and knowing that their families probably saw how they were maimed and mistreated.... It fills me with so very much anger.... God help us... we are in a mess.

2004-03-31T08:38:00.000-06:00

I am going to start today's blog out with a quote:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent- Eleanor Roosevelt

Something for everyone to think about.

2004-03-30T11:55:00.000-06:00

Okay I want to get this post in, before I forget it or lose memory of the feeling. So I watched Lost in Translation several weeks ago and really enjoyed it. The movie is fun for those who just watch the distractions on the screen and listen to the dialogue, but there are also some pretty weighty emotions beneath the characters as well. The young married girl ignored and mistreated (for lack of a better word) by her husband. The older man confused and lost in life merely going through the motions.... involved in an empty relationship and feeling very alone. The spark that is created between the two as they enjoy their friendship. Then the week ends. They both knew what was coming.... Their goodbye is classic. It reminds me of summer camp. You meet someone and a fierce friendship ensues. You spill out yourself to this person, but all too soon it is over. You say your goodbyes.... That terrible terrible feeling in your stomach as you realize you will never see that person again.... It is too bad. It is part of life..... That's all.

2004-03-23T08:20:00.000-06:00

Wow, has it really been over a month since I last wrote..... Time away from the office and vacation will do that I suppose. I have had a lot of time to think and over analyze this life of mine...."I will go in this way and I find my own way out... I won't tell you to stay....." So many things to say that they just kind of ooze out as rambling gibberish. "I will bring water.... why won't you ever be glad...."
Okay so I saw an "old" "friend" last week and man did it bring back memories. My brain kicked into overdrive with all of those what could have been, should have been thoughts that I have written about before. This "friend" that I mistreated, so much so that to this day I still feel like I am paying penance to the karma police. I wanted to say sorry and have always wanted to, but the opportunity just hasn't presented itself.... Actually that is kind of bullshit, I am just a pud. So anyhow life goes on and I carry these thoughts around and file them away with the rest of my feelings. Isn't that pathetic (or is it sad).... a person that goes through life hiding most every feeling and many thoughts so that they won't discomfort others... Not much of a way to live, but it is the road that I choose to take.... So that is it for today. I don't feel like spilling much more.
Send the pain below.....

2004-02-03T10:09:00.001-06:00

I have always been a fan of Alice in Chains and to this day claim "Rotten Apple" to be my favorite song of all time. After listening to a couple of songs today I decided to do some research on the late Layne Staley former lead singer of the band. I found a very sad article that gave highlights of an interview he gave several months before he died. I can not imagine the pain of drug abuse and what it does to your body... I am pasting a copy of the interview/article and a link to the site from which I read it.

Late Alice In Chains Singer Layne Staley's Last Interview Revealed In New Book

02.25.2003

"I know I'm near death. I did crack and heroin for years. I never wanted to end my life this way ... Don't try to contact any AIC (Alice in Chains) members. They are not my friends." — Layne Staley

Almost a year after the April 2002 death of Alice in Chains singer Layne Staley, the final interview with the troubled musician has surfaced in the recently released book "Layne Staley: Angry Chair — A Look Inside the Heart and Soul of an Incredible Musician" by Argentinean writer and music fan Adriana Rubio.

The conversation took place less than three months before Staley died from an overdose of heroin and cocaine ( "Layne Staley Died From Mix Of Heroin, Cocaine, Report Says"), and revealed a broken 34-year-old who had given up the will to live.

"I know I'm dying," he rasped through missing teeth. "I'm not doing well. Don't try to talk about this to my sister Liz. She will know it sooner or later."

Staley, suffering from fever and nausea, told Rubio that his need for heroin was all-consuming, even though the effects of the drug were no longer enjoyable. He added that smack had completely ravaged his system and left him empty and filled with regrets.

"This f---ing drug use is like the insulin a diabetic needs to survive," he said. "I'm not using drugs to get high like many people think. I know I made a big mistake when I started using this sh--. It's a very difficult thing to explain. My liver is not functioning and I'm throwing up all the time and sh---ing my pants. The pain is more than you can handle. It's the worst pain in the world. Dope sick hurts the entire body."

The most chilling passage of the interview reads like a suicide note.

"I know I'm near death," he said. "I did crack and heroin for years. I never wanted to end my life this way. I know I have no chance. It's too late. I never wanted [the public's] thumbs' up about this f---ing drug use. Don't try to contact any AIC (Alice in Chains) members. They are not my friends."

In the rest of the interview, Staley talked about his relationship with his family. He stressed that he's always been close to his mother Nancy McCallum, sister Liz and stepsister Jamie, but that when he was eight years old his father walked out on the family and Staley's life faded to black.

"My world became a nightmare," he said. "There were just shadows around me. I got [a] call saying that my dad had died, [but] my family always knew he was around doing all kind of drugs. Since that call I always was wondering, 'Where is my dad?' I felt so sad for him and I missed him. He dropped out of my life for 15 years."

Staley insisted he always knew he had the talent and creativity to be rock star, and thought that if he became a celebrity his dad would return. So he started writing songs in his teens and jamming with other musicians. At the same time, he did a bit of research to find out where his father was living and what kind of a man he was.

"When I was 16, I tried to find him without saying a word to my family," revealed Staley. "I did it for a long f---in' time, and what I found over the years was not good, so I changed my mind about wanting to see my dad again."

At that point, Staley focused all his energy on music, reveling in it as a cathartic outlet.

"I was about 20, and music became my only obsession to stay alive," he said. "I had the chance to throw out all this anger by the music in order to help others. It was therapeutic and worked [for] me for a while until my dad saw my picture printed on a magazine."

Just as Alice in Chains started to take off, the man Staley expended so much energy and anguish thinking about suddenly wanted to become a part of the rocker's life. The then 21-year-old singer was wary, but he still hoped seeing his dad again would help fill the hole in his heart.

"He said he'd been clean of drugs for six years," Staley related. "So, why in the hell didn't he come back before? I was very cautious at first. Then the relationship changed. My father started using drugs again. We did drugs together and I found myself in a miserable situation. He started visiting me all day to get high and do drugs with me. He came up to me just to get some sh--, and that's all. I was trying to kick this habit out of my life and here comes this man asking for money to buy some smack."

Being used by his father was one of the forces that contributed to Staley's downward slide.

"He finally kicked heroin use, and I'm still fighting," he said bitterly. "I invested a lot of money on treatments. I know I did my best or what I thought would be right. I changed my number. I don't wanna see people anymore and it's nobody's business but mine."

The remainder of "Layne Staley: Angry Chair" is composed of interviews with the singer's mom and sister that outline Staley's childhood, interests, personality, love life and career. The 146-page book also contains the author's take on the European Renaissance and the history of heroin.

Rubio wrote much of the text in first person and empathized with Staley's family by comparing her struggle with bulimia to the ravages of addiction. She features quotes and song lyrics by musician John Brandon, who penned the book "Unchained ... The Story of Mike Starr," but did not interview any of Staley's bandmates, friends, business associates or artists that toured with Alice in Chains.

"Layne Staley: Angry Chair" features 50 pages of photos of Staley's sketches, diary entries, childhood pictures, art work and his eulogy by his friend and Screaming Trees drummer Barrett Martin.

—Jon Wiederhorn

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1470138/20030225/story.jhtml

2004-02-03T10:09:00.000-06:00

I have always been a fan of Alice in Chains and to this day claim "Rotten Apple" to be my favorite song of all time. After listening to a couple of songs today I decided to do some research on the late Layne Staley former lead singer of the band. I found a very sad article that gave highlights of an interview he gave several months before he died. I can not imagine the pain of drug abuse and what it does to your body... I am pasting a copy of the interview/article and a link to the site from which I read it.

Late Alice In Chains Singer Layne Staley's Last Interview Revealed In New Book

02.25.2003

Layne Staley
Photo: Columbia

"I know I'm near death. I did crack and heroin for years. I never wanted to end my life this way ... Don't try to contact any AIC (Alice in Chains) members. They are not my friends." — Layne Staley

Almost a year after the April 2002 death of Alice in Chains singer Layne Staley, the final interview with the troubled musician has surfaced in the recently released book "Layne Staley: Angry Chair — A Look Inside the Heart and Soul of an Incredible Musician" by Argentinean writer and music fan Adriana Rubio.

The conversation took place less than three months before Staley died from an overdose of heroin and cocaine ( "Layne Staley Died From Mix Of Heroin, Cocaine, Report Says"), and revealed a broken 34-year-old who had given up the will to live.

"I know I'm dying," he rasped through missing teeth. "I'm not doing well. Don't try to talk about this to my sister Liz. She will know it sooner or later."

Staley, suffering from fever and nausea, told Rubio that his need for heroin was all-consuming, even though the effects of the drug were no longer enjoyable. He added that smack had completely ravaged his system and left him empty and filled with regrets.

"This f---ing drug use is like the insulin a diabetic needs to survive," he said. "I'm not using drugs to get high like many people think. I know I made a big mistake when I started using this sh--. It's a very difficult thing to explain. My liver is not functioning and I'm throwing up all the time and sh---ing my pants. The pain is more than you can handle. It's the worst pain in the world. Dope sick hurts the entire body."

The most chilling passage of the interview reads like a suicide note.

"I know I'm near death," he said. "I did crack and heroin for years. I never wanted to end my life this way. I know I have no chance. It's too late. I never wanted [the public's] thumbs' up about this f---ing drug use. Don't try to contact any AIC (Alice in Chains) members. They are not my friends."

In the rest of the interview, Staley talked about his relationship with his family. He stressed that he's always been close to his mother Nancy McCallum, sister Liz and stepsister Jamie, but that when he was eight years old his father walked out on the family and Staley's life faded to black.

"My world became a nightmare," he said. "There were just shadows around me. I got [a] call saying that my dad had died, [but] my family always knew he was around doing all kind of drugs. Since that call I always was wondering, 'Where is my dad?' I felt so sad for him and I missed him. He dropped out of my life for 15 years."

Staley insisted he always knew he had the talent and creativity to be rock star, and thought that if he became a celebrity his dad would return. So he started writing songs in his teens and jamming with other musicians. At the same time, he did a bit of research to find out where his father was living and what kind of a man he was.

"When I was 16, I tried to find him without saying a word to my family," revealed Staley. "I did it for a long f---in' time, and what I found over the years was not good, so I changed my mind about wanting to see my dad again."

At that point, Staley focused all his energy on music, reveling in it as a cathartic outlet.

"I was about 20, and music became my only obsession to stay alive," he said. "I had the chance to throw out all this anger by the music in order to help others. It was therapeutic and worked [for] me for a while until my dad saw my picture printed on a magazine."

Just as Alice in Chains started to take off, the man Staley expended so much energy and anguish thinking about suddenly wanted to become a part of the rocker's life. The then 21-year-old singer was wary, but he still hoped seeing his dad again would help fill the hole in his heart.

"He said he'd been clean of drugs for six years," Staley related. "So, why in the hell didn't he come back before? I was very cautious at first. Then the relationship changed. My father started using drugs again. We did drugs together and I found myself in a miserable situation. He started visiting me all day to get high and do drugs with me. He came up to me just to get some sh--, and that's all. I was trying to kick this habit out of my life and here comes this man asking for money to buy some smack."

Being used by his father was one of the forces that contributed to Staley's downward slide.

"He finally kicked heroin use, and I'm still fighting," he said bitterly. "I invested a lot of money on treatments. I know I did my best or what I thought would be right. I changed my number. I don't wanna see people anymore and it's nobody's business but mine."

The remainder of "Layne Staley: Angry Chair" is composed of interviews with the singer's mom and sister that outline Staley's childhood, interests, personality, love life and career. The 146-page book also contains the author's take on the European Renaissance and the history of heroin.

Rubio wrote much of the text in first person and empathized with Staley's family by comparing her struggle with bulimia to the ravages of addiction. She features quotes and song lyrics by musician John Brandon, who penned the book "Unchained ... The Story of Mike Starr," but did not interview any of Staley's bandmates, friends, business associates or artists that toured with Alice in Chains.

"Layne Staley: Angry Chair" features 50 pages of photos of Staley's sketches, diary entries, childhood pictures, art work and his eulogy by his friend and Screaming Trees drummer Barrett Martin.

—Jon Wiederhorn

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1470138/20030225/story.jhtml

2004-01-29T13:47:00.000-06:00

Today has been one of the first halfway stressful days that I have had at work in some time. Kind of nice to be pulled in several directions at once again. Hey at least I feel like I may be earning my pay this way.
Read some more of The Drawing of the Three at lunch. Pretty good book. I have always been a fan of King. I don't think anything of his can surpass The Stand, but we will see. Guess i will get my back to my daily drudgery. It is cold out.... how much longer til spring?

2004-01-27T09:12:00.000-06:00

Nostalgia.... now that is an interesting word and even more interesting feeling. For me, periods in my life have always been bookended by music. When I hear a song, especially one from 10-15 years ago, I am almost immediately taken back to that exact era. It is strange because I also feel different for the 3-5 minutes the song is playing. Early childhood song=times of relaxation and smiles, Teen years=anger, rebellion, and arrogance. There are songs that also remind me of not just periods of time, but individuals that I may have shared that time with.... Why did I do this/say this... What if?
Music is very powerful....

2004-01-26T16:24:00.000-06:00

Just watching the snow coming down outside trying to bide my time until the end of the day.... listening to Coldplay. A pretty good combo... nice and mellow. Not much else to say really.

He said I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down
I'm gonna put it six feet underground
He said "I'm gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls

Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
Do back the things it did to you in return

Ah ah ah, ah ah ah...

He said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm gonna buy this place that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

Honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace.
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on

He said "I'm gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside my baby, watch the orange glow
Some will laugh and some just sit and cry
But you just sit down there and you wonder why

So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
And I'm gonna buy this place that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head

Honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace.
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
As you mean to go on, as you mean to go on

So meet me by the bridge,
Oh meet me by the lane
When am I going to see
That pretty face again

Meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon
A rush of blood to the head

2004-01-26T13:36:00.000-06:00

Another monday... It is odd how life develops a strange pattern after a few years of working. Five days on, two days off.... and you just come to accept the whole pattern.... I think I have discussed the whole "life is work" topic before so I will just skip it.
Another morning means another day of news of the goings on with the democratic presidential candidates. John Kerry took two dumps today, what does this mean for his chances in South Carolina. Who CARES! I am sure there are people out there that will argue that everything that is said matters, but I don't see the point. I can see the importance of the media following debates, but everything that is said, every random survey given, every photo taken.... give me a break. Surely there are more newsworthy stories out there.

2004-01-22T14:41:00.000-06:00

Ahhhh Thursday. Which is worse Thursday or Monday..... I'm gonna have to go with Thursday. It is usually the slowest day and the day that I have the least amount of energy.... I picked up a couple of Ryan Adams cd's and a Travis cd today. The Ryan Adams stuff is good as usual.... Travis.... I don't know what the hell happened to those guys.... so far the cd has sucked. First time I have actually purchased cd's in a while. After I arrived at the store I recalled why.... i-tunes rules. Especially for those of us who are living in a place with a somewhat limited selection of music. I believe Rufus Wainwright will have to be my next purchase. Looked for him today, but surprise surprise absolutely no luck. Oh well.

2004-01-20T15:17:00.000-06:00

Here is a thought to ponder.... If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?

2004-01-20T12:57:00.000-06:00

Give me back my broken night
my mirrored room, my secret life
it's lonely here,
there's no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that's an order!

Give me crack and anal sex
Take the only tree that's left
and stuff it up the hole
in your culture
Give me back the Berlin wall
give me Stalin and St Paul
I've seen the future, brother:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide, slide in all directions
Won't be nothing
Nothing you can measure anymore
The blizzard, the blizzard of the world
has crossed the threshold
and it has overturned
the order of the soul
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant

You don't know me from the wind
you never will, you never did
I'm the little jew
who wrote the Bible
I've seen the nations rise and fall
I've heard their stories, heard them all
but love's the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
to say it clear, to say it cold:
It's over, it ain't going
any further
And now the wheels of heaven stop
you feel the devil's riding crop
Get ready for the future:
it is murder

2004-01-20T12:55:00.001-06:00

thinking about all life has to offer...all the times i have let life pass me by and lived again to regret it...how many times can one person fail the same lesson??? getting up only to fall right back down where i started...living lie after lie, living up to everyone else...i am who i am and that is all i can be...forever...i am not perfect, i do have faults...accept all of me or let me go...i don't want to be someone elses slave...i can't live for you anymore...my mind is so tired...tired of sleepless nights, waiting by the phone, only to realize five hours later that you broke another promise...i should have been worth more than that...i know that you were...today i live my life, challenging myself, becoming stronger...one day i will see you and you won't matter anymore...and as you grab for my hand to save you from falling, i'll let you go...cause you would have taken me down anyways...

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand I'm your man
If you want a boxer I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver Climb inside Or if you want to take me for a ride You know you can
I'm your man
Ah, the moon's too bright The chain's too tight The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby And I'd fall at your feet And I'd howl at your beauty Like a dog in heat And I'd claw at your heart And I'd tear at your sheet I'd say please, please
I'm your man
And if you've got to sleep A moment on the road I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child Or only want to walk with me a while Across the sand I'm your man.......

I'm so alone tonight my bed feels larger than when I was small.
Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets, and all pillows.
So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know.
Miss the outline of your back; miss you breathing down my neck.

They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.

Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need……..Is you.

I need you.

Looked in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore.
The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away.

They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.
Here they come again, Here they come again, Here they come again,

Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need, what I need……..Is you.

I need you.

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow-
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me-
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met-
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Sleep brings no joy to me
Remembrance never dies
My soul is given to mysery
And lives in sighs

Sleep brings no rest to me
The shadows of the dead
My waking eyes may never see
Surrounded my bed

Sleep brings no hope to me
In soundest sleep they come
And with their doleful imagery
Deepen the gloom

Sleep brings no strength to me
No power renewed to brave
I only sail a wilder sea
A darker wave

Sleep brings no friend to me
To soothe and aid the bear
They ll gaze on how scornfully
And I despair

Sleep brings no wish to knit
My harassed heart beneath
My only wish is to forget
In the sleep of death

If it be your will That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until I am spoken for
If it be your will

If it be your will That a voice be true
From this broken hill I will sing to you
From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing

From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will.

2004-01-20T12:55:00.000-06:00

thinking about all life has to offer...all the times i have let life pass me by and lived again to regret it...how many times can one person fail the same lesson??? getting up only to fall right back down where i started...living lie after lie, living up to everyone else...i am who i am and that is all i can be...forever...i am not perfect, i do have faults...accept all of me or let me go...i don't want to be someone elses slave...i can't live for you anymore...my mind is so tired...tired of sleepless nights, waiting by the phone, only to realize five hours later that you broke another promise...i should have been worth more than that...i know that you were...today i live my life, challenging myself, becoming stronger...one day i will see you and you won't matter anymore...and as you grab for my hand to save you from falling, i'll let you go...cause you would have taken me down anyways...
~kelly ingrid~ 2000"

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand I'm your man
If you want a boxer I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver Climb inside Or if you want to take me for a ride You know you can
I'm your man
Ah, the moon's too bright The chain's too tight The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby And I'd fall at your feet And I'd howl at your beauty Like a dog in heat And I'd claw at your heart And I'd tear at your sheet I'd say please, please
I'm your man
And if you've got to sleep A moment on the road I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child Or only want to walk with me a while Across the sand I'm your man.......

I'm so alone tonight my bed feels larger than when I was small.
Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets, and all pillows.
So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know.
Miss the outline of your back; miss you breathing down my neck.

They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.

Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need……..Is you.

I need you.

Looked in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore.
The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away.

They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.
Here they come again, Here they come again, Here they come again,

Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need, what I need……..Is you.

I need you.

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow-
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me-
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met-
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Sleep brings no joy to me
Remembrance never dies
My soul is given to mysery
And lives in sighs

Sleep brings no rest to me
The shadows of the dead
My waking eyes may never see
Surrounded my bed

Sleep brings no hope to me
In soundest sleep they come
And with their doleful imagery
Deepen the gloom

Sleep brings no strength to me
No power renewed to brave
I only sail a wilder sea
A darker wave

Sleep brings no friend to me
To soothe and aid the bear
They ll gaze on how scornfully
And I despair

Sleep brings no wish to knit
My harassed heart beneath
My only wish is to forget
In the sleep of death

If it be your will That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until I am spoken for
If it be your will

If it be your will That a voice be true
From this broken hill I will sing to you
From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing

From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will.

2004-01-20T12:52:00.000-06:00

So if I asked you about art you could
give me the skinny on every art book
ever written...Michelangelo?
You know a lot about him I bet. Life's
work, criticisms, political aspirations.
But you couldn't tell me what it smells
like in the Sistine Chapel. You've
never stood there and looked up at
that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked
you about women I'm sure you could
give me a syllabus of your personal
favorites, and maybe you've been laid
a few times too. But you couldn't
tell me how it feels to wake up next
to a woman and be truly happy. If I
asked you about war you could refer me
to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional
material, but you've never been in
one. You've never held your best
friend's head in your lap and watched
him draw his last breath, looking to
you for help. And if I asked you about
love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never
looked at a woman and been truly
vulnerable. Known that someone could
kill you with a look. That someone
could rescue you from grief.
That God had put an angel on Earth
just for you. And you wouldn't know
how it felt to be her angel. To have
the love be there for her forever.
Through anything, through cancer. You
wouldn't know about sleeping sitting
up in a hospital room for two months
holding her hand and not leaving because
the doctors could see in your eyes
that the term "visiting hours" didn't
apply to you. And you wouldn't know
about real loss, because that only
occurs when you lose something you
love more than yourself, and you've
never dared to love anything that much.

2004-01-20T12:50:00.000-06:00

I guess I could be real pissed off about what happened to me, but it is hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once and it is too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that is about to burst. Then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it, and it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

2004-01-20T10:29:00.000-06:00

Nothing much to rant about today. Just spending the day typing away as usual. Listening to Coldplay this morning. It is shame that there aren't more bands out there like CP. Incredibly talented song writers, musicians, the whole package. I suppose there are more bands out there that are equally talented, but will never get the chance to prove it to the world. It seems in the music biz these days if you aren't flashy and don't appeal to underage girls you don't have much of a chance. Prepackaged and ready to serve to the masses. We know what you like so here it is.... Don't bother listening to anything else, don't experiment or listen to anything that might make you think of anything other than sex or money.... Hmmm... seems this has changed into a bit of a rant. Seriously though most bands that tell great stories or move you with their lyrics struggle. They are signed by idependent labels that are also struggling. However, I am sure it is rewarding for both the musician/s and idependent labels to be able to do something that they love. I am envious of that....

2004-01-19T14:24:00.000-06:00

Finally added a comments section. For what, I don't really know. It just interests me to think that someone else might be digesting some of my blurbage and might have something to say about it... Time will tell.

2004-01-19T11:26:00.000-06:00

Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.

--Martin Luther King Jr.

I was browing another blog when I came across this quote... I thought it was/is great. This comes following the browsing of another one of my favorite bookmarks on the web. The site was posting hate mail that people had received following comments that they had made on current events. Hate is a very very ugly thing and I think the quote above is very true. It is okay to disagree with another persons belief/beliefs, but why not try and change their opinions by providing evidence and justification for seeing things a different way. Insulting and belittling people solves and proves nothing. Ignorance and hatred.... two things the world could do without.

2004-01-16T10:36:00.000-06:00

Okay with the all of the political positioning that is going on in these primaries I have been thinking.... It must be a sad existence to be a politician. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe these people truly do believe everything along the party lines. Maybe they can look at themselves in the mirror and say I believe with every ounce of my being that the such and such party beliefs are my beliefs. I know I certainly don't feel that way. I have been registered as a republican for several years now, but that certainly does not mean that I in any way advocate everything the republican administration is doing right now. I am sure there are things that have been done along "party lines" that I would agree with, but many things that have occurred just seem sleazy. I don't know.... The whole two party system just seems unfair. You either fit in this category or that category. There is no in between.... Seems awfully simplified for a nation of 280+ million people. To make things worse, candidates that lean a little to the left or a little to the right in either party seem to be cast out. Many of their ideas, valid or not, are ignored because they don't fall within the straight and narrow of their parties belief system.... Does that seem right? I look forward to the day when we can look at candidates that are honest and straightforward and that we can elect with good conscious knowing that they are going to do the best for the masses and not just for their party and their contributors.

2004-01-15T13:04:00.000-06:00

Oh what a sleepy day. Thursday always seems to be much like this. Wake up with a half a tank of gas which is generally used by noon. The rest of the afternoon is spent daydreaming of naps and the weekend. Pretty typical really. Ready for the weekend. A good weekend for football. NE v Ind and Phi v Car. I know what I will be doing Sunday.
Nothing really floating around up top today. Just trying to serve my time and make it to Friday. Almost there......

2004-01-13T08:51:00.000-06:00

What a grand morning. Things seem to be running very very smoothly. Woke up with ease and even made it to work early. That is nice for a change. Must be the weather. It is not very cold outside today for a change. It feels like it is already in the fifties. Very nice for January. It is amazing what weather can do for your mood. Maybe this weather will stick around for a bit. If not the weather than maybe this mood. I could handle feeling this relaxed and rested for a while.

2004-01-12T15:47:00.000-06:00

Well it looks as though we are staring down another work week. I really think we need to put some thought into the 4 day work week. More focus on our individual welfare as opposed to more focus on our "jobs". Now there may be some exceptions to this thought process. Individuals who are contributing to the benefit of society and the welfare of the masses.... hey feel free to work yourself silly. But... for the rest of us poor souls just trying to make a buck or two for the supervisor types above us.... more time to better ourselves and our families, well that just sounds nice. Truthfully in going through life as I am now I am really not contributing to much of anything. I am consuming and that is just about it. I am attempting to raise my children in the "right" way, maybe that is contributing, but I couldn't tell you the last time that I felt like I had accomplished a real goal. Something that I could look back upon and be proud about, something that I might share as a story with someone in years ahead..... Bah. I don't know. I still smile every morning when I wake up. I laugh. My life is in no way difficult. I just feel like I should be contributing more somewhere. The answer to that question will eventually be answered I am sure.

2004-01-07T14:29:00.000-06:00

This year has started out differently than years passed... There is really no since of newness to 2004. Even my "new years resolution" is kind of weak. No deep fried foods..... so far so good. Not really pushing the envelope with that one. Oh well, I am sure my body will thank me by the end of the year. Thinking about taking other steps in the healthy lifestyle direction as well, I think I may start going the fruit/veggie smoothie route for breakfast and lunch. I realize from previous attempts that it is highly unlikely I will ever go from omnivore to grazer.... I just can't seem to stay away from my cheeseburgers and pork chops, but you never know. If you ponder it enough, being a large consumer of meat is really rather selfish and inefficient. How much grain and feed and other resources does it take to get an animal ready for slaughter. That same amount of feed could have fed how many hundreds of people? I am guilty of it, but maybe planting the thought in others heads will have some effect somewhere down the line. What a bunch of crap... nothing really thought provoking or entertaining about this post. It is what it is though.... random thoughts bouncing around my head.
It is very cold today. As I get older the cold becomes less and less tolerable. So many things restricted.... How many days to go until spring? Looks like about 60 something days roughly... How depressing. Maybe I need to change my latitude? Maybe something closer to the equator? I wish I were brave enough to just leave everything behind and move to a warmer climate and start a simpler life. No doubt I would not want to leave my family. Just all of the headaches. The thing that I think about though is would I miss all of the congestion and all of the fancy gadgets of modern life after time away? Would consumerism try and pull me back in? Maybe I am too high strung for the simpler life... I am an optimist though, I know tropics or know tropics, my ship will someday come in and things will be rosy and I will be able to relax a bit.

2004-01-06T16:49:00.000-06:00

Finally able to write again... I have had roughly 10 days of vacation in the last two work weeks so I have been out of pocket. Plenty of things have been swirling around in this enormous gourd of a head of mine though. For now I am just pondering what it will be like when I am free of the stresses that constantly prod me. When I think of stress free days I always picture myself as an old man.... Does that mean I am going to be plagued by stress and duress for the next forty years? I certainly hope not (and by old I am thinking along the lines of 65+). Maybe if I ever become financially independent things will be not so worrysome or I will not be so worrysome. Most of my stress I am sure is self imposed. This whole responsibility thing can be a bear. Depending upon how "responsible" you choose to be you may end up much like Atlas or at least feel like him. Walking around daily with the weight of the world strapped to your shoulders... Maybe Atlas had it better.... there is knowhere that I know of that says Atlas is required to smile and act like he is enjoying what the world is serving him. There are certainly times when I feel like I am being served poo sandwiches. And they are not tasty.....
Okay enough for today. Time for a workout. Maybe that will improve the look of things.

2003-12-30T13:33:00.000-06:00

Well I am back in the orifice for a day before finishing off the remainder of my vacation. Feels kind of strange to be back after just a week. Not bad, just strange. I was starting to get ansy at home. I don't know if I could ever be unemployed or retired for any great length of time. I imagine I would develop some sort of hobby or another to occupy my time.... my work outs and running would be more intense... but I don't know. I need to have some goals or something similar. Need to have something to which I feel like I am contributing. Maybe that is why my recent efforts at the office have been so half assed. I always deliver as promise, but my efforts are mostly done grudgingly... Where I used to be a fine well oiled machine... I now seem to be burning much more energy forcing myself to do my everyday tasks. Uninspired and bored. Again it sounds like I am complaining, but I don't think that is what it is... Just stating the present. This is life. Earn your share, pay your taxes, contribute how you can, keep smiling with arms outstretched for the next thing life sends your way. It feels good to empty my head a bit. I wonder if others think about these things like I do. I seem hardwired to look at every situation in life from every angle. Things are never good/bad. There are differing shades of everything. Things appear one color from this angle only to change when viewed from another. What this says about me as a person I do not know. I never took any psychology classes and I never really care to. I don't need others to define my habits and processes and I don't really need to there interpretations of others to help me to deal with people. Observing your surroundings as you live will give you all the knowledge you need to deal with others..... How is that for a rambling bit of nonsense..... Guess I will leave things as they are. Time to figure out the happenings for another new year celebration. Maybe my thoughts will take root in somebody elses mind.. that makes me smile.

2003-12-18T14:01:00.000-06:00

Ahhhhhhh. Just finished my final plate of food from the holiday office lunch..... Three and a half plates of barbecue.... I am a very satisfied man. Bonuses also came through today. It looks like we had a good year. Definitely have to give thanks for being so blessed. Life is definitely smiling on me. Enjoying the sounds of KCRW over i-tunes... At least if I can't be in the west I can absorb some of the sounds coming from that direction. The web is a wonderful thing. My post certainly does seem to have a prozac glow about it today.... Things are indeed very good. Maybe I will have more to complain about next time. Until then..... I am going to wear this smile as long as possible....

2003-12-16T13:25:00.000-06:00

I think I officially have a new hobby (if it can be called that). I can not seem to get enough of reading others peoples thoughts. I believe it started when I began browsing moby.com on a regular basis and continued to grow after I discovered blogger.com. There is something that I enjoy about immersing myself in someone elses thoughts. I guess it is a way of stepping out of my life and my problems to listen/read someone elses.... I don't have much of anything to gripe about because life in most cases has been very fair to me. It is just refreshing to absorb new thoughts/opinions/points of view. I hope that I remain open and accepting of new ideas and views and never become a close minded type.... Life is much more interesting and liveable when you are not spending all of your energy and time trying to force your point of view on others. Maybe that will be my Christmas wish to the world, more tolerance of others. Look at things from others points of view and not just your own. Maybe it will be easier to understand them that way.

2003-12-15T15:35:00.000-06:00

So it's ten more days to go until christmas..... The more I age the more I begin to despise the whole commercialized version of Christmas.... Everybody rushing around trying to find "the perfect gift" for everyone in your family and your extended family. It has become a holiday for the credit card companies. Another thing for people to worry about... I think we should just make the Christmas holiday more like Thanksgiving. Families get together and enjoy each others company, and if you are religious, give thanks to God....
But. I am not holding breath in having any hope that things will ever change. Money and material possessions are what make the world go round.... We work to get more "stuff". And as we are getting more stuff our entire life is passing us by. We lose huge chunks of time chasing after things that are not going to make a damn bit of difference to us twenty years down the road. I don't have a solution to the problem and I don't know if most people would even agree that it is a problem. It just seems sad that we spend our lives chasing after things that add very little to our growth as individuals.... whatever that means. Merry Christmas...