Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy
when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
* The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.
* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health
care to all Americans is socialism.
* HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
heart.
* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
* A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is
solid defense policy.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's driving record is none of our business.
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for
your recovery.
* You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can
tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
