Random thoughts of an anonymous man
Today has been one of the first halfway stressful days that I have had at work in some time. Kind of nice to be pulled in several directions at once again. Hey at least I feel like I may be earning my pay this way.
Read some more of The Drawing of the Three at lunch. Pretty good book. I have always been a fan of King. I don't think anything of his can surpass The Stand, but we will see. Guess i will get my back to my daily drudgery. It is cold out.... how much longer til spring?
Nostalgia.... now that is an interesting word and even more interesting feeling. For me, periods in my life have always been bookended by music. When I hear a song, especially one from 10-15 years ago, I am almost immediately taken back to that exact era. It is strange because I also feel different for the 3-5 minutes the song is playing. Early childhood song=times of relaxation and smiles, Teen years=anger, rebellion, and arrogance. There are songs that also remind me of not just periods of time, but individuals that I may have shared that time with.... Why did I do this/say this... What if?
Music is very powerful....
Just watching the snow coming down outside trying to bide my time until the end of the day.... listening to Coldplay. A pretty good combo... nice and mellow. Not much else to say really.
He said I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down
I'm gonna put it six feet underground
He said "I'm gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
Do back the things it did to you in return
Ah ah ah, ah ah ah...
He said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm gonna buy this place that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace.
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on
He said "I'm gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside my baby, watch the orange glow
Some will laugh and some just sit and cry
But you just sit down there and you wonder why
So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
And I'm gonna buy this place that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head
Honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace.
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
As you mean to go on, as you mean to go on
So meet me by the bridge,
Oh meet me by the lane
When am I going to see
That pretty face again
Meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon
A rush of blood to the head
Another monday... It is odd how life develops a strange pattern after a few years of working. Five days on, two days off.... and you just come to accept the whole pattern.... I think I have discussed the whole "life is work" topic before so I will just skip it.
Another morning means another day of news of the goings on with the democratic presidential candidates. John Kerry took two dumps today, what does this mean for his chances in South Carolina. Who CARES! I am sure there are people out there that will argue that everything that is said matters, but I don't see the point. I can see the importance of the media following debates, but everything that is said, every random survey given, every photo taken.... give me a break. Surely there are more newsworthy stories out there.
Ahhhh Thursday. Which is worse Thursday or Monday..... I'm gonna have to go with Thursday. It is usually the slowest day and the day that I have the least amount of energy.... I picked up a couple of Ryan Adams cd's and a Travis cd today. The Ryan Adams stuff is good as usual.... Travis.... I don't know what the hell happened to those guys.... so far the cd has sucked. First time I have actually purchased cd's in a while. After I arrived at the store I recalled why.... i-tunes rules. Especially for those of us who are living in a place with a somewhat limited selection of music. I believe Rufus Wainwright will have to be my next purchase. Looked for him today, but surprise surprise absolutely no luck. Oh well.
Here is a thought to ponder.... If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?
Give me back my broken night
my mirrored room, my secret life
it's lonely here,
there's no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that's an order!
Give me crack and anal sex
Take the only tree that's left
and stuff it up the hole
in your culture
Give me back the Berlin wall
give me Stalin and St Paul
I've seen the future, brother:
it is murder.
Things are going to slide, slide in all directions
Won't be nothing
Nothing you can measure anymore
The blizzard, the blizzard of the world
has crossed the threshold
and it has overturned
the order of the soul
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
You don't know me from the wind
you never will, you never did
I'm the little jew
who wrote the Bible
I've seen the nations rise and fall
I've heard their stories, heard them all
but love's the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
to say it clear, to say it cold:
It's over, it ain't going
any further
And now the wheels of heaven stop
you feel the devil's riding crop
Get ready for the future:
it is murder
thinking about all life has to offer...all the times i have let life pass me by and lived again to regret it...how many times can one person fail the same lesson??? getting up only to fall right back down where i started...living lie after lie, living up to everyone else...i am who i am and that is all i can be...forever...i am not perfect, i do have faults...accept all of me or let me go...i don't want to be someone elses slave...i can't live for you anymore...my mind is so tired...tired of sleepless nights, waiting by the phone, only to realize five hours later that you broke another promise...i should have been worth more than that...i know that you were...today i live my life, challenging myself, becoming stronger...one day i will see you and you won't matter anymore...and as you grab for my hand to save you from falling, i'll let you go...cause you would have taken me down anyways...
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand I'm your man
If you want a boxer I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver Climb inside Or if you want to take me for a ride You know you can
I'm your man
Ah, the moon's too bright The chain's too tight The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby And I'd fall at your feet And I'd howl at your beauty Like a dog in heat And I'd claw at your heart And I'd tear at your sheet I'd say please, please
I'm your man
And if you've got to sleep A moment on the road I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child Or only want to walk with me a while Across the sand I'm your man.......
I'm so alone tonight my bed feels larger than when I was small.
Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets, and all pillows.
So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know.
Miss the outline of your back; miss you breathing down my neck.
They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.
Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need……..Is you.
I need you.
Looked in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore.
The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away.
They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.
Here they come again, Here they come again, Here they come again,
Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need, what I need……..Is you.
I need you.
When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow-
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me-
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met-
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.
Sleep brings no joy to me
Remembrance never dies
My soul is given to mysery
And lives in sighs
Sleep brings no rest to me
The shadows of the dead
My waking eyes may never see
Surrounded my bed
Sleep brings no hope to me
In soundest sleep they come
And with their doleful imagery
Deepen the gloom
Sleep brings no strength to me
No power renewed to brave
I only sail a wilder sea
A darker wave
Sleep brings no friend to me
To soothe and aid the bear
They ll gaze on how scornfully
And I despair
Sleep brings no wish to knit
My harassed heart beneath
My only wish is to forget
In the sleep of death
If it be your will That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will That a voice be true
From this broken hill I will sing to you
From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing
From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will To make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will.
thinking about all life has to offer...all the times i have let life pass me by and lived again to regret it...how many times can one person fail the same lesson??? getting up only to fall right back down where i started...living lie after lie, living up to everyone else...i am who i am and that is all i can be...forever...i am not perfect, i do have faults...accept all of me or let me go...i don't want to be someone elses slave...i can't live for you anymore...my mind is so tired...tired of sleepless nights, waiting by the phone, only to realize five hours later that you broke another promise...i should have been worth more than that...i know that you were...today i live my life, challenging myself, becoming stronger...one day i will see you and you won't matter anymore...and as you grab for my hand to save you from falling, i'll let you go...cause you would have taken me down anyways...
~kelly ingrid~ 2000"
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand I'm your man
If you want a boxer I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver Climb inside Or if you want to take me for a ride You know you can
I'm your man
Ah, the moon's too bright The chain's too tight The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby And I'd fall at your feet And I'd howl at your beauty Like a dog in heat And I'd claw at your heart And I'd tear at your sheet I'd say please, please
I'm your man
And if you've got to sleep A moment on the road I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child Or only want to walk with me a while Across the sand I'm your man.......
I'm so alone tonight my bed feels larger than when I was small.
Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets, and all pillows.
So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know.
Miss the outline of your back; miss you breathing down my neck.
They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.
Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need……..Is you.
I need you.
Looked in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore.
The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away.
They're all out to get you, once again; they're all out to get you.
Here they come again, Here they come again, Here they come again,
Insecure what you gonna do?
Feel so small they could step on you.
Called you up, answering machine. When the human touch is what I need, what I need,
what I need, what I need……..Is you.
I need you.
When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow-
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me-
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met-
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.
Sleep brings no joy to me
Remembrance never dies
My soul is given to mysery
And lives in sighs
Sleep brings no rest to me
The shadows of the dead
My waking eyes may never see
Surrounded my bed
Sleep brings no hope to me
In soundest sleep they come
And with their doleful imagery
Deepen the gloom
Sleep brings no strength to me
No power renewed to brave
I only sail a wilder sea
A darker wave
Sleep brings no friend to me
To soothe and aid the bear
They ll gaze on how scornfully
And I despair
Sleep brings no wish to knit
My harassed heart beneath
My only wish is to forget
In the sleep of death
If it be your will That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will That a voice be true
From this broken hill I will sing to you
From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing
From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will To let me sing
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will To make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
If it be your will.
So if I asked you about art you could
give me the skinny on every art book
ever written...Michelangelo?
You know a lot about him I bet. Life's
work, criticisms, political aspirations.
But you couldn't tell me what it smells
like in the Sistine Chapel. You've
never stood there and looked up at
that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked
you about women I'm sure you could
give me a syllabus of your personal
favorites, and maybe you've been laid
a few times too. But you couldn't
tell me how it feels to wake up next
to a woman and be truly happy. If I
asked you about war you could refer me
to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional
material, but you've never been in
one. You've never held your best
friend's head in your lap and watched
him draw his last breath, looking to
you for help. And if I asked you about
love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never
looked at a woman and been truly
vulnerable. Known that someone could
kill you with a look. That someone
could rescue you from grief.
That God had put an angel on Earth
just for you. And you wouldn't know
how it felt to be her angel. To have
the love be there for her forever.
Through anything, through cancer. You
wouldn't know about sleeping sitting
up in a hospital room for two months
holding her hand and not leaving because
the doctors could see in your eyes
that the term "visiting hours" didn't
apply to you. And you wouldn't know
about real loss, because that only
occurs when you lose something you
love more than yourself, and you've
never dared to love anything that much.
I guess I could be real pissed off about what happened to me, but it is hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once and it is too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that is about to burst. Then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it, and it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
Nothing much to rant about today. Just spending the day typing away as usual. Listening to Coldplay this morning. It is shame that there aren't more bands out there like CP. Incredibly talented song writers, musicians, the whole package. I suppose there are more bands out there that are equally talented, but will never get the chance to prove it to the world. It seems in the music biz these days if you aren't flashy and don't appeal to underage girls you don't have much of a chance. Prepackaged and ready to serve to the masses. We know what you like so here it is.... Don't bother listening to anything else, don't experiment or listen to anything that might make you think of anything other than sex or money.... Hmmm... seems this has changed into a bit of a rant. Seriously though most bands that tell great stories or move you with their lyrics struggle. They are signed by idependent labels that are also struggling. However, I am sure it is rewarding for both the musician/s and idependent labels to be able to do something that they love. I am envious of that....
Finally added a comments section. For what, I don't really know. It just interests me to think that someone else might be digesting some of my blurbage and might have something to say about it... Time will tell.
Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.
--Martin Luther King Jr.
I was browing another blog when I came across this quote... I thought it was/is great. This comes following the browsing of another one of my favorite bookmarks on the web. The site was posting hate mail that people had received following comments that they had made on current events. Hate is a very very ugly thing and I think the quote above is very true. It is okay to disagree with another persons belief/beliefs, but why not try and change their opinions by providing evidence and justification for seeing things a different way. Insulting and belittling people solves and proves nothing. Ignorance and hatred.... two things the world could do without.
Okay with the all of the political positioning that is going on in these primaries I have been thinking.... It must be a sad existence to be a politician. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe these people truly do believe everything along the party lines. Maybe they can look at themselves in the mirror and say I believe with every ounce of my being that the such and such party beliefs are my beliefs. I know I certainly don't feel that way. I have been registered as a republican for several years now, but that certainly does not mean that I in any way advocate everything the republican administration is doing right now. I am sure there are things that have been done along "party lines" that I would agree with, but many things that have occurred just seem sleazy. I don't know.... The whole two party system just seems unfair. You either fit in this category or that category. There is no in between.... Seems awfully simplified for a nation of 280+ million people. To make things worse, candidates that lean a little to the left or a little to the right in either party seem to be cast out. Many of their ideas, valid or not, are ignored because they don't fall within the straight and narrow of their parties belief system.... Does that seem right? I look forward to the day when we can look at candidates that are honest and straightforward and that we can elect with good conscious knowing that they are going to do the best for the masses and not just for their party and their contributors.
Oh what a sleepy day. Thursday always seems to be much like this. Wake up with a half a tank of gas which is generally used by noon. The rest of the afternoon is spent daydreaming of naps and the weekend. Pretty typical really. Ready for the weekend. A good weekend for football. NE v Ind and Phi v Car. I know what I will be doing Sunday.
Nothing really floating around up top today. Just trying to serve my time and make it to Friday. Almost there......
What a grand morning. Things seem to be running very very smoothly. Woke up with ease and even made it to work early. That is nice for a change. Must be the weather. It is not very cold outside today for a change. It feels like it is already in the fifties. Very nice for January. It is amazing what weather can do for your mood. Maybe this weather will stick around for a bit. If not the weather than maybe this mood. I could handle feeling this relaxed and rested for a while.
Well it looks as though we are staring down another work week. I really think we need to put some thought into the 4 day work week. More focus on our individual welfare as opposed to more focus on our "jobs". Now there may be some exceptions to this thought process. Individuals who are contributing to the benefit of society and the welfare of the masses.... hey feel free to work yourself silly. But... for the rest of us poor souls just trying to make a buck or two for the supervisor types above us.... more time to better ourselves and our families, well that just sounds nice. Truthfully in going through life as I am now I am really not contributing to much of anything. I am consuming and that is just about it. I am attempting to raise my children in the "right" way, maybe that is contributing, but I couldn't tell you the last time that I felt like I had accomplished a real goal. Something that I could look back upon and be proud about, something that I might share as a story with someone in years ahead..... Bah. I don't know. I still smile every morning when I wake up. I laugh. My life is in no way difficult. I just feel like I should be contributing more somewhere. The answer to that question will eventually be answered I am sure.
This year has started out differently than years passed... There is really no since of newness to 2004. Even my "new years resolution" is kind of weak. No deep fried foods..... so far so good. Not really pushing the envelope with that one. Oh well, I am sure my body will thank me by the end of the year. Thinking about taking other steps in the healthy lifestyle direction as well, I think I may start going the fruit/veggie smoothie route for breakfast and lunch. I realize from previous attempts that it is highly unlikely I will ever go from omnivore to grazer.... I just can't seem to stay away from my cheeseburgers and pork chops, but you never know. If you ponder it enough, being a large consumer of meat is really rather selfish and inefficient. How much grain and feed and other resources does it take to get an animal ready for slaughter. That same amount of feed could have fed how many hundreds of people? I am guilty of it, but maybe planting the thought in others heads will have some effect somewhere down the line. What a bunch of crap... nothing really thought provoking or entertaining about this post. It is what it is though.... random thoughts bouncing around my head.
It is very cold today. As I get older the cold becomes less and less tolerable. So many things restricted.... How many days to go until spring? Looks like about 60 something days roughly... How depressing. Maybe I need to change my latitude? Maybe something closer to the equator? I wish I were brave enough to just leave everything behind and move to a warmer climate and start a simpler life. No doubt I would not want to leave my family. Just all of the headaches. The thing that I think about though is would I miss all of the congestion and all of the fancy gadgets of modern life after time away? Would consumerism try and pull me back in? Maybe I am too high strung for the simpler life... I am an optimist though, I know tropics or know tropics, my ship will someday come in and things will be rosy and I will be able to relax a bit.
Finally able to write again... I have had roughly 10 days of vacation in the last two work weeks so I have been out of pocket. Plenty of things have been swirling around in this enormous gourd of a head of mine though. For now I am just pondering what it will be like when I am free of the stresses that constantly prod me. When I think of stress free days I always picture myself as an old man.... Does that mean I am going to be plagued by stress and duress for the next forty years? I certainly hope not (and by old I am thinking along the lines of 65+). Maybe if I ever become financially independent things will be not so worrysome or I will not be so worrysome. Most of my stress I am sure is self imposed. This whole responsibility thing can be a bear. Depending upon how "responsible" you choose to be you may end up much like Atlas or at least feel like him. Walking around daily with the weight of the world strapped to your shoulders... Maybe Atlas had it better.... there is knowhere that I know of that says Atlas is required to smile and act like he is enjoying what the world is serving him. There are certainly times when I feel like I am being served poo sandwiches. And they are not tasty.....
Okay enough for today. Time for a workout. Maybe that will improve the look of things.
